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[WARNING: incoherent arrangement of random
thoughts floating in the post below.]
God
damn this world is so immensely huge in such a small insignificant way.
My
car definitely needs a carwash and a well-deserved oil change as well…it
probably won’t hurt to purchase some of those engine cleaner and octane boost
fluid shit too. It definitely needs to be vacuumed inside. I want to give her a
nice pedicure treatment polishing her tires and rims. A nice wax rub down would
probably feel good for my baby like a full body massage long overdo.
It’s
true…sometimes you have to pamper the lady that you love the most.
For
over a month, I’ve secluded myself (for the most part) from the rest of the
world observing life through the comfort of my dingy windshield smeared with a
lovely combination of road grease, dirt, and pollen giving everything a nice
yellowish amber tint to whatever moving image I was studying.
Turning
on the windshield wipers in an attempt to wash everything off only seemed to
smear this lovely blend of colors like an oil painting that you’d see in an art
museum. It doesn’t matter though…it’s kinda nice.
Sometimes
when you squint your eyes a little bit so that everything becomes kinda blurry,
you can pick out images out of all that dirt and yellow grim off the
windshield.
It’s
just like looking up at the clouds on a sunny ass day…
It
just takes you away and you become stuck in that moment. At first, it was weird
not being around the things that were familiar to me. Our whole lives as the
human species, we tend to morph the environment to our liking so that it suits
us, but to take myself out of that routine was…weird. I have no other way to
put it.
Like
a kind of conscious meditation, I’d stare out through my discolored windshield
looking out over the maroon Oakland horizon and every fucking thought in my
head would just ever so gently lift and move like the rolling fog off the hills
of San Francisco into the subconscious part of my head where it’d be collected
for me to come back to at a later time.
Surprisingly,
the bucket seats were kind to my back while I slept. It was cold as fuck
though. I couldn’t do much about that since I’m stuck in a 2 door coupe other
than put on more layers.
Tonya
was tight…extreme tight…but she was comfortably snug.
At
night, the t-tops were fucking awesome. I’d recline my seat all the way back
and take the t-top covers off and right above my head I could stare out at the
night sky. Most of the time though, I wasn’t able to see any stars because I
was parked under a tree or it was too overcast, but once in a while I’d see the
moon peeking out here and there behind a cloud.
The
sound of an airplane passing by at night is so much louder outside even when
you’re in your car than when you’re indoors.
I’d
just follow the blinking lights tracing the dark silhouette of the plane as it
slowly came towards my driver-side window, right across the top left on my
windshield, then right across the driver-side t-top window right above me, then
cross over to the passenger-side t-top window, and out of my view.
Then
I’d wait for the next one. In one night, I counted 28 before I fell asleep.
If
what I’m watching doesn’t amuse me, I change the channel figuratively. I’d
drive around until I found something interesting to watch, and I park and sit
and do it all over again.
All
I ever want is to find a piece of mind for myself, but I realize that trying to
do so is going to be a life-long journey to obtain something so precious. Yet,
I still find myself trying to drown this aching thirst for whatever the fuck it
is that I’m searching for. It’s not so much direction in my life that I’m
looking for or the meaning of life in general…
…well
actually…I guess I do question that myself from time to time, but who doesn’t?
I’d
just like to think that there’s a lot more out there and that there’s so much
more to everything in life than what we can see. I know that the only thing
that should matter is for us to do the things that we want to do in life…to do
something that will make us happy, and of course living in the world that we do
today, without money we can’t survive. That’s the real world that we live in
and that’s reality.
I
understand that, and it’s not a problem.
I’m
starting to find that other artists (painters, film-makers, musicians – any
artist who creates art for self-expression) or people who actively analyzes and
thinks critically about life (such as writers or philosophers) are just some of
the people who understands what the hell I’m talking about.
Life
is full of uncertainties and it’s those same uncertainties in life that makes
everything that much more interesting. John Lennon said that “life passes you
by while you’re planning something”…yeah…
Living
out of my car for a period of time help put a lot of things in perspective for
me. I thought that I’d miss the comforts of life, like T.V., video games, porn,
the internet, my bed, my radio alarm clock, my dvd’s, my loofah...but strangely
I didn’t miss them as much as I expected. If there was one thing that I needed
was my sketch book.
With
all of the comforts of modern day life taken out of the picture, the only one
thing that I was dependent on was art…
My
sketch book was the only thing that I needed to bring with me on my journey as
a car bound hermit for a short period of time.
I
did what my friend Tyler Durden said to me…I let go…I let go of everything in
my life that I thought was somewhat important to me according to what I’ve been
told by other people my whole life, and when it came down to it…I found that
one thing that I couldn’t let go of.
We
become so attached to the meaningless material things in our lives that it
conceals the things that actually do mean something to us…and for each person
it’s different what that one thing may be, but everyone has one.
I
can actually say that I’m feeling better. I feel like everything is finally
falling into place in terms of my life devoted to art. Out of nowhere,
opportunities are opening up for me with much thanks to some old school folks
and some new school blood from around the way. I was also reminded of one of my
early dreams as a kid that I completely forgot about…in 2010 (which is coming
up pretty fucking fast), you’ll see what I’m talking about…
Until
next time folks, I apologize for the random thoughts floating around in this
post in such a disorganized way…there’s too much that I’ve got to say at this
point to gather them in a coherent sequence of words and sentences. All I have
to say is:
FUCK
YEAH BITCHES!!!
Thanks
to certain folks, I’m ready to show the world what’s been brewing in my brain
for so long.
Peace,
cheers, and bottoms up. | 
