[WARNING: incoherent arrangement of random thoughts floating in the post below.]

God damn this world is so immensely huge in such a small insignificant way.

My car definitely needs a carwash and a well-deserved oil change as well…it probably won’t hurt to purchase some of those engine cleaner and octane boost fluid shit too. It definitely needs to be vacuumed inside. I want to give her a nice pedicure treatment polishing her tires and rims. A nice wax rub down would probably feel good for my baby like a full body massage long overdo.

It’s true…sometimes you have to pamper the lady that you love the most.

For over a month, I’ve secluded myself (for the most part) from the rest of the world observing life through the comfort of my dingy windshield smeared with a lovely combination of road grease, dirt, and pollen giving everything a nice yellowish amber tint to whatever moving image I was studying.

Turning on the windshield wipers in an attempt to wash everything off only seemed to smear this lovely blend of colors like an oil painting that you’d see in an art museum. It doesn’t matter though…it’s kinda nice.

Sometimes when you squint your eyes a little bit so that everything becomes kinda blurry, you can pick out images out of all that dirt and yellow grim off the windshield.

It’s just like looking up at the clouds on a sunny ass day…

It just takes you away and you become stuck in that moment. At first, it was weird not being around the things that were familiar to me. Our whole lives as the human species, we tend to morph the environment to our liking so that it suits us, but to take myself out of that routine was…weird. I have no other way to put it.

Like a kind of conscious meditation, I’d stare out through my discolored windshield looking out over the maroon Oakland horizon and every fucking thought in my head would just ever so gently lift and move like the rolling fog off the hills of San Francisco into the subconscious part of my head where it’d be collected for me to come back to at a later time.

Surprisingly, the bucket seats were kind to my back while I slept. It was cold as fuck though. I couldn’t do much about that since I’m stuck in a 2 door coupe other than put on more layers.

Tonya was tight…extreme tight…but she was comfortably snug.

At night, the t-tops were fucking awesome. I’d recline my seat all the way back and take the t-top covers off and right above my head I could stare out at the night sky. Most of the time though, I wasn’t able to see any stars because I was parked under a tree or it was too overcast, but once in a while I’d see the moon peeking out here and there behind a cloud.

The sound of an airplane passing by at night is so much louder outside even when you’re in your car than when you’re indoors.

I’d just follow the blinking lights tracing the dark silhouette of the plane as it slowly came towards my driver-side window, right across the top left on my windshield, then right across the driver-side t-top window right above me, then cross over to the passenger-side t-top window, and out of my view.

Then I’d wait for the next one. In one night, I counted 28 before I fell asleep.

If what I’m watching doesn’t amuse me, I change the channel figuratively. I’d drive around until I found something interesting to watch, and I park and sit and do it all over again.

All I ever want is to find a piece of mind for myself, but I realize that trying to do so is going to be a life-long journey to obtain something so precious. Yet, I still find myself trying to drown this aching thirst for whatever the fuck it is that I’m searching for. It’s not so much direction in my life that I’m looking for or the meaning of life in general…

…well actually…I guess I do question that myself from time to time, but who doesn’t?

I’d just like to think that there’s a lot more out there and that there’s so much more to everything in life than what we can see. I know that the only thing that should matter is for us to do the things that we want to do in life…to do something that will make us happy, and of course living in the world that we do today, without money we can’t survive. That’s the real world that we live in and that’s reality.

I understand that, and it’s not a problem.

I’m starting to find that other artists (painters, film-makers, musicians – any artist who creates art for self-expression) or people who actively analyzes and thinks critically about life (such as writers or philosophers) are just some of the people who understands what the hell I’m talking about.

Life is full of uncertainties and it’s those same uncertainties in life that makes everything that much more interesting. John Lennon said that “life passes you by while you’re planning something”…yeah…

Living out of my car for a period of time help put a lot of things in perspective for me. I thought that I’d miss the comforts of life, like T.V., video games, porn, the internet, my bed, my radio alarm clock, my dvd’s, my loofah...but strangely I didn’t miss them as much as I expected. If there was one thing that I needed was my sketch book.

With all of the comforts of modern day life taken out of the picture, the only one thing that I was dependent on was art…

My sketch book was the only thing that I needed to bring with me on my journey as a car bound hermit for a short period of time.

I did what my friend Tyler Durden said to me…I let go…I let go of everything in my life that I thought was somewhat important to me according to what I’ve been told by other people my whole life, and when it came down to it…I found that one thing that I couldn’t let go of.

We become so attached to the meaningless material things in our lives that it conceals the things that actually do mean something to us…and for each person it’s different what that one thing may be, but everyone has one.

I can actually say that I’m feeling better. I feel like everything is finally falling into place in terms of my life devoted to art. Out of nowhere, opportunities are opening up for me with much thanks to some old school folks and some new school blood from around the way. I was also reminded of one of my early dreams as a kid that I completely forgot about…in 2010 (which is coming up pretty fucking fast), you’ll see what I’m talking about…

Until next time folks, I apologize for the random thoughts floating around in this post in such a disorganized way…there’s too much that I’ve got to say at this point to gather them in a coherent sequence of words and sentences. All I have to say is:

FUCK YEAH BITCHES!!!

Thanks to certain folks, I’m ready to show the world what’s been brewing in my brain for so long.

Peace, cheers, and bottoms up.